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Depression

Now to one of the dark sides of an enneagram 5-1 INTJ. It seldom hits me, thank God, but depression is not pretty. Especially the perfectionism of the Enneagram 1 is especially susceptible when things are no longer perfect, which already happens through natural use. In other words, as a toddler, I could not have it when a string of sausages was cut or something was carried out of the store. As long as you are in a healthy state of balance, you can live well with it, but in a depressive phase, things like that much pull you down a lot. Sure, I take care of my things to avoid them get signs of wear, but it can not be completely averted. In a healthy state, you can live well with it, because once there are two scratches in something, the third is no longer tragic. It's one of the unsolved problems I carry around with me. You also have signs of wear on your own body, and you can not do anything about it. Or take our 5 "steam locomotive: We've been riding it for a few miles and now it turns out that not everything is designed for extended use. Much is simply glide-bearing and these bearings are also worn out, so that the whole control gets more and more slack. You can fix everything with more or less effort (drill and insert bushings) and keep it that way for a while, but it's not made for eternity either. This takes a toll from a perfectionist, if despite all efforts, the wear is faster than the repairs.

To a certain extent, you can outsmart your subconscious with procrastination as well: For example, I have a set of parallel pads, 8 pairs of 6 to 20 mm thickness. And for some time, one is missing, which despite all search is no longer findable. I have written a complete new set (you cannot get the parts individually) on the order list and funnily enough that works: only the intention to correct the malady counts already as a solution to be able to live with the non-perfect state. Of course I have to order a new set if I need something from the company. Or just said wear: putting bushings in all bearings is technically no problem, it is on the list and as long as it functions you can continue driving. It's just stupid that sometimes you have to cheat yourself so to be able to live with this dark side of psychology. And if in the worst case scenario the solution does not work, the depression is not far away - or if the entropy increases suddenly (the whole problem is based on the second law of thermodynamics and thus one of the most fundamental laws of nature: In a closed system [without energy supply] the entropy [the disorder] can only increase). So if several things in the immediate area suddenly get worse that is not exactly mood-enhancing.

The whole thing is then also a vicious circle: Due to the depressed mood decreases the motivation, and to put it in physics: the energy supply to reduce entropy. Instead of as doing as much as possible, the list of work in progress or in need of repair is getting longer which in turn eats away even more motivation. I would also like to lower my personal entropy by finally finding a partner for life, but at the same time all efforts are fruitless and new possibilities do not come to my mind. That just hurts. In such cases, an external energy source would work wonders.

What also falls into this category is the self-flagellation with "what would have been if ...?". It seems to have eased a bit, but in the past I was constantly crazy about past situations where something bad could have happened. As the grammar says, nothing happened, but sometimes you did not act optimally and it could have gone awry. Although this is a good thing for personal development to prevent future accidents from the outset, but if it is excessive and you are almost trapped in an endless loop and analyze these near misses again and again - not fun. Other types have a lot of advantages with a "forget it" mentality, although they may also - if they are applying that to widely - not learning a necessary lesson

And there is something else burdensome on me, but that's typical J: I do not like things hanging in free air (the famous Damocles sword). I like to organize my future and if I can do something now, then I do that now, because then this does not have to be included in my future planning. Unfortunately, there is another faction that would much rather put off something and not have to worry about it now. In the course of the ALNO insolvency we did not pay a whole series of bills because of missing parts. As I have learned in a similar case, someday somebody may want to have the bucks, back then we were sued years later by the factoring company. So I would have been willing to deal with the bankruptcy trustee and settle it through negotiation, but they had absolutely no interest in bargaining and kept open whether they were claiming the accounts or not. For me that means just uncertainty, because I can not plan because it is not in my sphere of decision.

For some time, I get along with overwhelming problems quite well - that's an INTJ strength - but at some point you also realize that the ability to push here endlessly overtime and to be able to tackle the mountain by salami tactics only slice by slice is limited. It would probably work wonders if you could spend four weeks vacationing without having to think about it all while someone else takes my place. Unfortunately, this is a complete illusion, because if I would go on holiday, everything would only be much worse because in my absence probably no problem solves itself, but would be much more added which I would have to catch up then. This is unfortunately the downside of being self-employed with a small business: no one does your crap if you want to take a vacation.

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